Sunday, July 10, 2005

The Deed Is Done, Blood's On My Hands....Pray For Me!

Hey there,
This has been a momentous week for me both as an individual and also a son, I stood up to my dad in order to direct things in my life. It has been really painful for me, to the point that I repeatedly questioned my sanity and personal adequacies. I've searched and fine combed my soul for clues for ways to not give a proverbial fuck to the man. Moods and atitudes have swayed dangerously close to delirium and mental incapacitation.
I've gone through the following:-
a)guilt
b)hate
c)lust
d)loss
e)disillusionment
f)enlightenedment
g)all-encompassing fear
h)jealousy
i)envy
j)spite
k)ecstacy
l)accomplishment
but; I've never ever found contentment and inner peace.

The ghost of my pass haunts and hunts me, seeking to destroy whatever I have left of me.

I seek you Lord,
The one true way,
My salvation I know and want to receive,
But where are you Lord? Where and what do i do?
I do what they all tell me to do but you don't seem any closer or more real in any sense.
How do I know I love you for what I want to love you for?
The heart and mind are so entwined with the soul.
I'm thinking and falling deeper into my unknown Lord,
All these things tear at me both inside and outside,
It hurts so bad Lord, so very bad.
You showed me today Lord, how an imperfect father loved his imperfect son.
Why haven't this mercy been given unto me Lord?
Mistakes have been made and i"m trying to make up for something I never was allowed to partake of.
Why do I continue to pay penance for something which was denied to me?
I may have been sluggish and slow then but do you punish a child for not knowing how to walk?
I love you Lord, but something's got to give.
My faith in You remains but what my soul can take may not mean my heart lays unshattered.
I hunger to know that you care Lord and that my faith makes a difference.
Bt all these are just words, just words, they fade with time and memory.
Hearts do bleed, just as real as the gash at my wrist.
Believe me that I believe in you oh Lord,

'Only fools dare hope, if we didn't have fools, the world would lack hope'

I hope, may I be fooled.