Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My head, cold against the concrete

I'm actually sick right now,

I'm actually happy for now, peace reigns for the moment

I'm tired yet not that tired

Spent the whole day doing nothing, busy with my nothings,

I breathe while I'm awake, I'm afraid that I might forget how it is to breathe if I sleep

I'm burning with desire for something

Its 2.01am, I'm glad that I'm bored.

I feel like hurling a rock at myself.

I'm sick and you feel it.

My head is encased in stone and my limbs are barely bones.

I'm listening to Sigur Ros and loving it.

I'm the nothing song

I'm the nothing god

Please tell me that you really care.

I want to lose myself but there's nothing to lose myself in.

My guilty conscience is on cruise control

I think I need medication just to be normal

I think I need the maddening effect of this world so that I may believe I'm still quite that sane

I wish that i could wish

I wish I had faith

I hunger for faith

I need faith

I, Faith, desire

I need so many things i'm afraid I can't give

But when I give I think I have not received.

My head is done in.


Monday, January 09, 2006

5am in the morning, a heart can't slumber.

Good morning,

Its 5 am as I type out what is going through my numbed brain. I've got

1) A shitty mood

2) A fucked head

3) A need for deep sleep.

She eludes me this enchantress but let's focus people.

I've got someone in my bed as I type. She oblivious to what I'm doing, no doubt too tired to be able to care. She's going through a tough time and I'm having a ball ache trying to cushion her from my tough time as much as possible. What the fuck is wrong with love nowadays? I thought it was meant to make you happy, transient and superlatively blissful. Its on the contrary as bitter as a fucking pill, it shreds your insides, it tears holes in your personality and self belief, it gives you insomnia on a crazy scale.

I've lost my appetite for life, it drains me. I feel like a I've got a perpetually slit throat that just pours out gushes of my personality and zest. It used to be good, it used to be great, now, it just hurts, drains and destroy. It festers like a diabetic wound. I've been fighting since 3pm today. She's hurt and I'm hurt. We're like two possessed beasts in a cage, we give and ask for no quarter. I'm dragged through a pit of stakes. My fingers and mind just want to starve themselves of oxygen.I'm hating myself for loving her so much. We continue to fight into the night,
I'm tired and so is she.. Could I quit, should I quit after all the hell I've been through and put her through too? Conscience and sentimentality clicks and kicks in.
I cannot because I can't, I cannot because I daren't, I cannot because I've risked and come too far, I cannot because she loves me too much, I cannot because I love her too.

Smoke and mirrors, this game goes on...Love one, to love of course.

Yours Sincerely,