Tuesday, January 27, 2009

2 years or so

2 years

I have ignored this page...its that dark cell at the back of my head.

It charts the hurt, the grief, the rage, the darkness that clouds me. Down that rabbit hole of destruction.

Its unbelievable to look back all this time and think that I survived.

I survived that death by a thousand cuts. Made it out. Barely or am I still within that heart of the beast.

My ability to write however has probably taken a massive beating, sentence construction gone, ability to visualize emotions are gone. Lost... How fucking annoying.

I'm interested in understanding what these 2 years have done to me. Mind, body and soul.

I know I was fucked but am I any better now... OR more fucked than ever.

I seriously fear and hope its not the latter. Fuck! I daren't even peer down that well. I HATE my guts that threaten to spew.

Normality seems to be the perfect cover for me nowadays, but I do hope I am normal. Maybe lying to myself hard enough and numerous enough a time will make me happier.

GOD!! Tell me that being normal means hiding one's sense of lunacy. I hope everyone is mad and that it just happens that I know better than the next guy, that we are all fucked over.

We're mad, we're sick, we're alone, we're fucked.
This madness reeks of rot... We slave to feed this madness, there is no purity in this madness, this is what takes this psycho crap to a whole new level. Pure madness is the man you see at the roadside picking at his own maggot infested wound and feeling no pain. The urban madness that I feel is the vacumn I have inside my being, not my soul but my very existence. The emptiness left by a love one leaves a cold space, the sharp edges fill up my insides and stabs me gracefully.

I bear this burden, my pain and grief may no longer be as pure a rage as before. It's more like a million embers that burn deep within; unwilling to surface, unwilling to die out.

I hate more purposefully now.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Its been a while...

Dear reader,

I've been going through my post and it really is quite scary.

I seemed so angry, so fucked up, so lost, so wounded.

I was probably manic with despair.....It was fucking a year and 3 months ago that I've been here.

This place is truly a desolate, bitter, resentful and altogether awkward place.

Reading the posts really makes me want to cry out in anguish. Is that innate hatred locked up inside me or somewhere else?

Things have changed this one year plus, I do not know if its for the better or worse of me.

Reading all this bad black blood has really opened up some cold sores and also helped me realise that some wounds have indeed healed, some are far deeper than I thought.

The girl whom I had loved does not love me anymore, but time and reality shuffles along.

I don't know if I'm left here fighting her ghost or fighting to keep mine.

I cared, babe. I really did...

Thursday, December 14, 2006

14th December 2006

Hey all,

I know there's no one there in particular but im just going to indulge myself.

Welcome to the corporate cross roads, DO I WALK THE COMMERCIAL, FAGGOT INFESTED, SHARK IN SUITS, PLASTIC SMILED path? Or do the antithesis of flinging myself into the unknown.

Only God Knows.

I hate my existence but it is this existence that defines me. Deducting from that, I hate myself. Naturally perhaps at first but I make myslef believe that I hate myself. I don't really hate myself but I hate the scenarios my person put myself in

I hate this routine of work and non-exixtent personal space. I want to breathe, I want to sigh without having to look behind my shoulders and creep about like a fucking rat.

I want to wake up knowing I love what my mind and soul will have to be doing.

A tin solder I am,
Sprung and wound

BTW, my new cell mate is all upbeat and nice. Pretty refreshing to see someone who deosn't look like their balls just fell off.

14th December 2006 it is!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My head, cold against the concrete

I'm actually sick right now,

I'm actually happy for now, peace reigns for the moment

I'm tired yet not that tired

Spent the whole day doing nothing, busy with my nothings,

I breathe while I'm awake, I'm afraid that I might forget how it is to breathe if I sleep

I'm burning with desire for something

Its 2.01am, I'm glad that I'm bored.

I feel like hurling a rock at myself.

I'm sick and you feel it.

My head is encased in stone and my limbs are barely bones.

I'm listening to Sigur Ros and loving it.

I'm the nothing song

I'm the nothing god

Please tell me that you really care.

I want to lose myself but there's nothing to lose myself in.

My guilty conscience is on cruise control

I think I need medication just to be normal

I think I need the maddening effect of this world so that I may believe I'm still quite that sane

I wish that i could wish

I wish I had faith

I hunger for faith

I need faith

I, Faith, desire

I need so many things i'm afraid I can't give

But when I give I think I have not received.

My head is done in.


Monday, January 09, 2006

5am in the morning, a heart can't slumber.

Good morning,

Its 5 am as I type out what is going through my numbed brain. I've got

1) A shitty mood

2) A fucked head

3) A need for deep sleep.

She eludes me this enchantress but let's focus people.

I've got someone in my bed as I type. She oblivious to what I'm doing, no doubt too tired to be able to care. She's going through a tough time and I'm having a ball ache trying to cushion her from my tough time as much as possible. What the fuck is wrong with love nowadays? I thought it was meant to make you happy, transient and superlatively blissful. Its on the contrary as bitter as a fucking pill, it shreds your insides, it tears holes in your personality and self belief, it gives you insomnia on a crazy scale.

I've lost my appetite for life, it drains me. I feel like a I've got a perpetually slit throat that just pours out gushes of my personality and zest. It used to be good, it used to be great, now, it just hurts, drains and destroy. It festers like a diabetic wound. I've been fighting since 3pm today. She's hurt and I'm hurt. We're like two possessed beasts in a cage, we give and ask for no quarter. I'm dragged through a pit of stakes. My fingers and mind just want to starve themselves of oxygen.I'm hating myself for loving her so much. We continue to fight into the night,
I'm tired and so is she.. Could I quit, should I quit after all the hell I've been through and put her through too? Conscience and sentimentality clicks and kicks in.
I cannot because I can't, I cannot because I daren't, I cannot because I've risked and come too far, I cannot because she loves me too much, I cannot because I love her too.

Smoke and mirrors, this game goes on...Love one, to love of course.

Yours Sincerely,

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The blood in my mouth is YOURS!

I’m at a crossroads where both choices branch out to a million possibilities,
It’s like every choice is an alternative, every step dripping with what if pains
I cannot see anymore, I’m swimming backwards against the currents
I’m stuck in a web of deceit mixed with sincerity and wrong choices,
I sleep and I wake and it makes no difference, Comfort and betrayal.
I want to make a change but the people around me refuse to see it.
I try to make a change but everyone wants me to change into what they perceive I should be or do.
I’m the living dead, not really dead, not wanting to be dead but not really wanting to live either.
The cards are stacked and edges edged with coated glass, and they are my hand.
I’m a single, I’m the different, I bleed just to be able to know this deck. I wear the same coat of arms.
The ashes I thought I’ve stamped out are actually in my heart, a sacrifice, one moment
Liability the next, how can you turn against me and I blink from the blood that drips.
I feel torn and raped by the crowd, my lungs fail to collapse, my heart still beats.
They are machines that prolong my torture, a chain for the chained.
Free me please, Stab me in the throat not behind my chest.
I want the see the eyes that betray me, hate me,
I want to see the eyes that are partly mine hate me; I want to watch the looks that are meant to kill me.
It was you that drowned me and then accused me of spitting bile.
I’ve got a gun and I’m going to smoke you with one bullet and then the other.
Give me this gun, I’ll let you stab me in the throat first and with my last semblance of consciousness, I’m going to pull that trigger that’s gonna blow you away.
It’s sad that our bone fragments and blood are alike. I would have not wanted it any other way.
Flies would die on contact with this tainted tainted poisonous bile of ours.
I so just want to make you cry, I so want to shake and die.
Songs of horror, watching you sing in the mirror, You hater, You Liar
Worthless and moping in the hole you dug yourself.
Spineless and lazy, you fucking maggot
I hate you for a reason and that reason is going to kill you someday.
Turn against me and I will destroy you, Oh, I fucking will
I will wipe that frown off the fucking face of the earth.
It never felt so good to destroy.
Come get it, I’ve got all the bullets I need to puncture your lungs and make You hear your leaking chest!
Come and die, and be destroyed

Monday, September 05, 2005

And You Thought Dying Was Easy?


Its been some time eh? Yeah, shit happens over and over again till it shit no more. It has been a truly testing period so far, guess what? It gets worse. Thoughtful and hopeless at the same time, contradiction walks such a fine line that it ceases to exist in my life. I live because of hope and yet I hope that my hope just shrivels up and die like a dry peach on a tanning bed turned up high. I can't even struggle with the concept of contentment now as I already choose to associate disappointment with contentment.I'm contented with disappoinment and a sense of loss because they are at least a constant. That really initiates contentment in me.
Why can't contentment be constant? Okay!! Maybe everyone has to suffer once, then with the idea of contentment learned we could proceed to constant contentment.

Seen the weather recently? With the haze and shit...crazy killer heat waves, Its hell in Malaysia. HaHa....serves us right for being subservient to Indonesia, another country with a skewed sense of identity and priorities. The same bloodstock seems to imbue its horrid qualitites on the indigenous population both here and Indonesia. But wait a sec, they are the same people. HaHa.. The difference here however is the indigenous people here self declare they're abilities and yet rely on racist policies to achieve they're ends. They parasite off the land and other races unfortunate enough to share the country.Their counterparts in Indonesia are no better and just happen to be a brutish and incompetent branch off the rest of the bloodstock. Steal, Destroy and Kill....Satan's minions no less. I share my country with this stock of sub-moral and self-serving clown of a race. Extremism and fanatism can only abide in people of no self-worth and respect. Sigh, one more worry in the world!